Hedgehog
by ThreadbareSP
Summary: Stan is scared of a hedgehog, Tweek might have rabies, and the whole town is convinced that a cult is ritualistically mutilating animals. This script contains coarse language and due to its content should not be read by anyone.  TSP Episode #110.
1. The Thing

**Threadbare South Park  
>Episode #111: "Hedgehog"<strong>

_NOTE: I do not own South Park, but I wish I did. This piece is written in the form of a script. It includes the original character Charlie Pierzynski. It's rated T for language and violence. Kenny's lines are parenthesized to indicate that they are muffled._

_Contains some of the lyrics to "Walk the Line" by Johnny Cash._

* * *

><p><strong>Part 1. The Thing<strong>

* * *

><p>[Scenes in <strong>brackets and italics<strong> are viewed from the perspective of the Creature. Scenes **only in italics** are normal descriptions.]

ALL CHARACTERS AND EVENTS IN THIS EPISODE-EVEN THOSE BASED ON REAL PEOPLE-ARE ENTIRELY FICTIONAL. ALL CANON CHARACTERS' LINES ARE WRITTEN BY THREADBARESP...POORLY. THE FOLLOWING SCRIPT CONTAINS COARSE LANGUAGE AND DUE TO ITS CONTENT SHOULD NOT BE READ BY ANYONE.

* * *

><p><em>[The scene opens in the perspective of a strange creature that's close to the ground. Its vision is mostly green, and it's heat sensitive. It is travelling on the ground by a park and baseball diamond. It scuttles between bushes on the opposite side of the fence around the baseball field. Its vision focuses on five figures (seen as thermal images) playing at the baseball field. It then focuses specifically on the figure at home plate, about to bat.]<em>

* * *

><p><em>Stan is getting ready to bat.<em>

Stan (in a low, dramatic voice): It's the bottom of the ninth. The bases are loaded. With two outs and three points down, this may be the single most important play of Stan Marsh's career.

_Cartman is standing behind him, wearing a catcher's mask. Stan wears a blue T-shirt and Cartman wears a white one, as the weather is relatively warm. The ground only has small patches of snow on it. The boys still wear their hats._

Cartman: Can you speed this up?

_Kyle stands at the pitcher's mound, wearing a green T-shirt (and hat). Kenny (still in his parka) is in left field, and Charlie is in right field. She wears a teal shirt and her hat._

Kyle: Yeah, come on, Stan!

Stan: I'm almost ready! [He uses the same dramatic voice as before.] He steps to the plate. His entire career hinges on this mom—

_Kyle pitches the ball. It flies past Stan. Cartman catches it._

Stan: Damn it! I wasn't ready yet!

_Cartman throws the ball back to Kyle._

Kyle: I know.

Stan (looking annoyed, but using the same low voice): His entire career hinges on this moment. He focuses all his energy. He must… be the ball. [He yells to Kyle.] Okay, I'm ready now!

_Kyle pitches the ball again. Stan swings and hits a foul ball over the fence on Charlie's side._

Cartman: Foul! Foul!

Stan: I know it was a foul!

Charlie: I'll get it!

_She runs up to the fence and starts climbing over it._

_[A figure (Charlie) climbs down to the same side of the fence as the creature. She starts looking through the bushes. The creature moves closer to her as suspenseful music plays.]_

Stan: Do you see it?

Charlie: Not yet!

_[The creature is in a bush just beside Charlie as she spots the ball and picks it up. Charlie is about to walk away when she looks down at the creature. She appears startled as the suspenseful music reaches its climax.]_

* * *

><p><em>Charlie walks up to the baseball diamond.<em>

Kyle: Did you find the ball?

Charlie: Yeah. [She tosses him the ball.] But look what else I found!

_The boys walk up to her as she displays a small hedgehog with large eyes._

Kenny: (What is it?)

Charlie: I don't know.

Kyle: It's a hedgehog.

Charlie: Aw, cool! Isn't it cute?

_Stan looks at the hedgehog. The hedgehog stares directly at him with large, unblinking eyes._

Stan: It's kind of creepy.

Charlie: How is it creepy?

Cartman: Yeah, it just looks kind of stupid.

_The hedgehog continues to stare directly at Stan._

Stan: I dunno; it just is.

Charlie: Do you think your parents would let me keep him?

Stan: Why would you want to keep him?

Charlie: Because he's cute. And I think he likes me.

_It continues staring directly at Stan. Stan turns to the side and looks away from it. After a few moments, he glances at the hedgehog again. It is still staring at him._

Kyle: Well, come on! Are we going to play, or what?

Charlie: I think I want to go home and ask Mrs. Marsh if I can keep the hedgehog. I'll see you guys later.

_Charlie walks away with the hedgehog._

Kyle: Aw, we can't play baseball with just four guys. It was hard enough with five of us.

Stan: Seriously, did any of you guys think there was something wrong with that thing?

Kyle: What, the hedgehog?

Stan: Yeah.

_Cartman, Kyle, and Kenny glance at each other._

Cartman: Seriously, you need to relax, dude. [He sighs and takes off his catcher's mitt.] Well, I'd best be on my way. I'm expecting a very special delivery today.

Kenny: (What is it?)

Cartman: I can't tell you guys until it arrives. So screw you guys, I'm going home.

Kyle (annoyed): Come on, Cartman.

Cartman: No. Screw you guys; home.

_He walks away. The other three stare after him._

Stan: What an asshole.

* * *

><p><em>Awhile later, Stan comes home. He finds Sharon in the kitchen, cutting up some vegetables.<em>

Stan: Mom?

Sharon: Yes, dear?

Stan: Did Charlie ask you about keeping a hedgehog?

Sharon: Oh, yes, she did. I told her she could keep it in the old hutch in the backyard.

Stan (startled): What?

Sharon: It looked harmless enough, and Charlie seemed to like it a lot.

Stan (walking out of the kitchen): Great.

_He looks out the window into the backyard. Charlie is painting the hutch green and appears to be singing to herself. The hedgehog is sitting on the ground a few feet away from her. It is staring at her. After a moment, it begins to stare at Stan through the window._

Stan (to himself): It's just a hedgehog. It's just a stupid hedgehog.

_He goes out the backdoor. Charlie is singing "Walk the Line" loudly._

Charlie (singing in a vaguely Southern accent): "I keep a close watch on this heart of mine! I keep my eyes wide open all the time!" [Stan stands on the back stoop, staring at her strangely. She doesn't notice him.] "I keep the ends out for the tie that binds! Because you're mine, I walk the line!" [She sees him.] Oh, hey Stan. Do you want to help me paint Binky's hutch?

Stan: Binky?

Charlie: Yeah, isn't that a cute name?

Stan: No.

_Charlie glares at him, then resumes painting._

Charlie (singing): "I find it very, very easy to be true!" [We get a close up of Binky, who is staring at Stan without blinking.] "I find myself alone when each day is through!" [We get a close up of Stan, who is staring back at Binky apprehensively.] "I must admit that I'm a fool for you!" [We see Binky again.] "Because you're mine, I walk the line!"

_Stan walks back into the house._

Charlie: Hey, Stan. I—

_She looks over and only sees Binky. He stares at her without blinking. She smiles and walks over to him. She crouches down and pats him on the head._

Charlie: Aren't you the cutest little thing? We're gonna have so much fun together.

* * *

><p><em>Later that day at the Broflovski house, the phone rings. Kyle picks it up.<em>

Kyle: Hello?

Cartman (using a video game controller as he talks): Hey, Kyle. Guess what I just got?

Kyle: Ass reduction surgery?

Cartman: Nope. I just got the new GameStation 3X!

Kyle: You liar. That's not coming out for, like, two months.

Cartman: In the United States, maybe, but I got my super-cool GameStation 3X preordered from Japan, so I get it early! I was just calling to tell you about my new super-awesome GameStation 3X and let you know that you and Stan can't play it, because I hate you guys.

Kyle: You suck, Cartman.

Cartman: The graphics on this thing are so awesome. Right now I'm playing with Kenny, Clyde, and little Becca Pierzynski. Say hi to Kyle, everybody!

_Clyde is on one side of Cartman on the couch and Butters is on the other. Kenny and Becca sit on the floor. Clyde, Kenny, and Becca are also holding controllers and appear to be highly focused on the game._

Clyde, Kenny, Butters, and Becca: Hi Kyle.

Cartman: So anyway, I just wanted to tell you that you and Stan can't play on my super-fun GameStation 3X, and I hate you guys. Oh, and your girlfriend. She can't play either.

Kyle: Shut up, fat-ass. I don't have a girlfriend.

Cartman: _Kyle and Charlie sittin' in a tree._

Kenny: (F-U-C-K-I-N-G.)

Cartman: _First comes love, then comes marriage,_ then come ugly little Jewish babies in the baby carriage!

_Kyle hangs up angrily. Cartman listens to the dial tone for a moment, then hangs up, looking satisfied._

Becca: You spelled "kissing" wrong, Kenny.

Butters: Could I have a turn next, Eric?

Cartman: No, Butters.

* * *

><p><em>Up in his room, Stan watches Charlie and Binky out the window. Charlie is still painting the hutch and singing. Binky is staring at her. Then he stares up at Stan again. Stan looks scared. He ducks down a bit. Behind him, Kyle walks into the room.<em>

Kyle: Hey Stan.

_Stan yelps and turns around._

Stan: Oh. It's just you.

Kyle: Cartman's a big fat asshole.

Stan: Yep.

Kyle Did he call to tell you he got the new GameStation 3X? And that we're not allowed to play it?

Stan: Yeah.

_Stan glances at the window, then back at Kyle, obviously distracted. Kyle looks slightly irritated._

Kyle: Doesn't that piss you off?

Stan: Yeah, I guess.

Kyle: What's wrong?

Stan: …Nothing.

_He looks out the window again. Kyle walks up to the window and stands next to him. Kyle looks outside and sees Charlie and the hedgehog. He glances questioningly at Stan._

Kyle: You're really freaked out by that hedgehog, aren't you?

Stan: No!

Kyle: Good, because it's just a dumb hedgehog. It doesn't do anything.

Stan: I know.

_He keeps looking at Binky through the window. Kyle looks at Stan, then at Binky, then back at Stan._

Kyle: We just need to distract you for a little while. C'mon, let's go play X-Box. We'll show that fat-ass that we don't need a stupid GameStation 3X.

* * *

><p><em>Stan, Kyle, and Charlie sit on the couch at the Marshes' house with X-Box controllers in their hands. They appear to be intensely focused on the game.<em>

Charlie: Wha—No! No, oh, crap!

Kyle: Ha! Killed you again!

Charlie (tossing down her controller): This game sucks.

_Stan and Kyle both laugh._

Stan: Girls suck at first-person shooter games.

Kyle: Yeah, I know.

Charlie: Hey! I can kick your asses at MarioKart!

Stan: First of all, that's exactly what I was talking about. And second, no, you can't.

_Charlie walks out of the room, scowling. The boys keep playing their game._

Stan: The only game I've ever seen Charlie win was Candyland, and I'm pretty sure she cheated.

Kyle: I think she beat me at checkers once. [He pauses.] No, wait, never mind.

_They continue playing their video game in silence for a little bit. Charlie comes back. She's holding Binky._

Stan: Hey, what'd you bring that thing in the house for?

Kyle: You'd better take your two-pound hedgehog back outside, Charlie. Stan's scared of it.

Stan: No I'm not!

_Stan looks over at the hedgehog. Binky stares at him. Stan is momentarily distracted from the video game._

Kyle: Yes! I win!

Stan: Hey, no fair! I want a rematch!

Kyle: Bring it.

_Charlie puts down Binky and sits on the couch with her controller as the game starts up again. Binky looks up at the kids. Then he stares at the X-Box. His eyes grow larger and begin to glow, but none of the kids notice._

Stan: I'm gonna kick your ass this time, Kyle.

Kyle: No way.

_Binky begins to vibrate as his eyes glow even more brightly. At last, the X-Box explodes in a blast of sparks. The kids all scream. Then they stare at the black burn where the X-Box once sat. Binky now stares at the kids, looking normal again._

Stan: My… my X-Box! No! Not my X-Box!

Charlie: How was that even possible?

Stan: I don't know, but I think you'd better take that thing back outside.

_Kyle and Charlie both stare at Stan oddly._

Charlie: Are you talking about the hedgehog?

_Stan looks at them, nervous and embarrassed._

Stan: …Yes.

Kyle: …You honestly think that a tiny little hedgehog could make an X-Box explode. Just by sitting there.

Stan: …No.

_Charlie glances at Binky, then back at Stan._

Charlie: I guess I'll take him back outside if he scares you that much.

_She gets up and picks up Binky. She walks out of the room._

Stan: [Yelling after her] I'm not scared of him! He's just a stupid little hedgehog! [More quietly, to himself] There's nothing scary about a hedgehog.

Kyle: You know what I think? I think Cartman had something to do with this.

Stan: What? Why?

Kyle: He wants us to be more pissed off that we can't play his stupid new GameStation. I bet he knows we won't really care as long as we can play our own games.

Stan: You _really_ think that Cartman figured out a way to get my X-Box to explode for no apparent reason? That sounds kind of stupid, Kyle.

Kyle: Hey, you're the one who thinks the hedgehog did it.


	2. Tweek Gets Rabies

**TSP Episode #111: "Hedgehog"**

* * *

><p><strong>Part 2. Tweek Gets Rabies<strong>

* * *

><p>[Scenes in <strong>brackets and italics<strong> are viewed from the perspective of the Creature. Scenes **only in italics** are normal descriptions]

_That night, there is a thunderstorm._

_[The Creature is in a hutch. It looks out the chicken-wire entrance, then retreats to the back. Lasers shoot from its eyes as it cuts a small hole into the back corner of the hutch. It crawls out. Its vision zooms in on the fence, scanning the base. It sees a small hole and walks toward it. Once it reaches the fence, it looks up toward Stan's bedroom. Its vision zooms in on the window for a moment. Then, it sneaks out the fence.]_

_Stan rolls around in bed. After a burst of lightning and a crash of thunder, Stan opens his eyes, startled. He sits up and looks out the window at Binky's hutch, which appears normal. He sighs. Then there is another loud and bright burst of lightning and thunder. Now Stan can see the bloody corpse of a raccoon in the yard. He lies back down in bed and puts his blanket over his head._

Stan: It's just a hedgehog. It's just a stupid hedgehog.

* * *

><p><em>Stan wakes up the next morning. It's stopped raining. He rubs his eyes and sits up, then he looks out his window. The bodies of seven or eight animals, ranging in size from rabbits to a cow, are disemboweled in the back yard. Stan starts screaming and runs from the room. He runs down the hall past Shelly's room, still screaming. Charlie and Shelly emerge from the room, looking like they just woke up. Stan runs downstairs and into the kitchen, where Sharon is sitting at the table, reading and drinking coffee.<em>

Stan: Mom!

Sharon: My God, what is it, Stanley?

Stan: The backyard! The backyard!

_Sharon, followed by a frightened Stan, walks to the back door and opens it. She stares open-mouthed at the carnage._

Sharon: Randy! [She runs back into the house to find him.] Randy! Come outside right now!

_Stan continues to gape at the scene in the backyard. Shelly and Charlie, looking tired, walk up to the back door. They also look shocked at what they see._

Shelly: What the hell happened to our yard?

Charlie: Oh no! Binky!

_She runs to the hutch, making sure to avoid the blood and entrails strewn across the ground along the way. When she reaches the hutch, she pauses. She bends down and peers through the chicken-wire door. Then she heaves a sigh of relief. Binky stares at her from the back of the hutch._

Charlie: He's okay.

_Stan and Shelly are still horrified by the bloody mess in the yard. Charlie nervously walks back over to where they stand. Randy, followed by Sharon, steps outside._

Randy: Oh my God! What the hell-? [He pauses mid-sentence, then looks down at the kids.] Now, I am only going to ask this once: which of you three did this?

Shelly: We didn't do it, Dad.

Charlie: Yeah, Shelly and I were in our room all night, and Stan doesn't have the stomach to mutilate a bunch of animals.

_Stan, who had been covering his mouth for awhile, vomits._

Sharon: Well, what could have done this? Or who?

_Randy gasps in sudden realization._

Randy: Oh my _God_...

* * *

><p><em>The Mayor sits at her desk in her office, writing something down. Her assistants flank her. A voice speaks through the telephone intercom.<em>

Voice: A Mr. Randy Marsh wishes to speak with you, Mayor McDaniels.

Mayor: Oh great. Send him in.

_Randy walks into the office wearing a stern expression. He stands in front of the Mayor's desk._

Mayor: What is it this time, Mr. Marsh?

Randy: Mayor, I don't have time for any of your little games. [He leans forward, putting both hands on the desk.] I am here today to _demand_ that you do something about the rampant cult activity that's been taking over South Park.

Mayor: I beg your pardon?

Randy: It's been going on for too long, Mayor, and I'm sick of it. Why, just last night, a group of raving cultists disemboweled some animals in my backyard!

Mayor: Really? You saw cult members killing animals in your backyard?

Randy: Well, no, I didn't_ see_ them.

Mayor: Then how do you know that a cult was responsible?

Randy (getting agitated): Look, a troop of blood-thirsty cult fanatics ritualistically mutilated eight animals in my backyard last night. My children saw it, and my poor wife has been spending all morning trying to clean it up. I am the victim here!

Mayor: I'm just saying that—

Randy: Save your questions for the_ cultists_, Mayor McDaniels.

The Mayor sighs.

Mayor: Mr. Marsh, I have no information suggesting that there is any illicit cult activity going on in South Park. I'm afraid that the claims you're making are, well, completely unfounded.

Randy: So you aren't going to do anything?

Mayor: There's nothing I can do. As I said, your claims are unfounded.

Randy: Then I'm leaving. But I promise you this, Mayor: this isn't the last you've heard of this. No, this is only the beginning.

_He storms out of the office and slams the door. The Mayor sighs._

Mayor: Hoo boy...

* * *

><p><em>Kyle and Stan walk into Cartman's house. Cartman is on the couch, playing his new GameStation. He has his tongue out and is intensely focused on the game. Becca is also on the couch. She rests her head on the armrest. Her eyes are half-open and baggy, and she stares listlessly at the television. She also holds a controller.<em>

Cartman: What the-? No! No, no, no! Becca, you were supposed to have my back!

_Becca doesn't say anything. She just continues to gaze at the television. Her mouth is slightly agape._

Kyle: We know what you're doing, fat-ass.

Cartman: I'm not fat! Becca, tell Kyle that I'm not fat.

_Becca mumbles something unintelligibly._

Kyle: You'd better be able to pay for a new X-Box for Stan, asshole.

Cartman: And why would I buy Stan an X-Box, might I ask?

Kyle: Because you wrecked his old one.

Cartman: I beg to differ, Kyle. I did no such thing.

Kyle: Give it up, Cartman. We know you're behind this.

Cartman: I don't know what exactly you're referring to, but I haven't left this couch since my super-awesome GameStation 3X arrived. Neither has Becca. She'll vouch for me. Right, Becca?

_Becca nods, mumbling._

Stan to Kyle: Dude, maybe you were wrong.

Kyle: No way. He's just lying, like always.

Cartman (focusing on his video game): Listen to Stan, Kyle. Just walk away.

_Kyle looks angry, but he and Stan walk out of the house. They talk on the front step._

Kyle: I still think he did it.

Stan: I don't know.

Kyle: Let's just go back to your house. Maybe we can find something that proves he did it.

* * *

><p><em>Stan and Kyle walk up to the Marsh house. There is a commotion in the backyard (which is no longer crowded with animal remains). They go around the side of the house to see Kenny, Butters, Craig, Clyde, Token, Tweek, Timmy, Jimmy, Pip, and Dougie in the backyard with Charlie. They're all crowded around Charlie and appear to be watching something.<em>

Stan: Uh, what are you all doing here?

Butters: Oh, hey Stan! We're just checkin' out Charlie's new pet hedgehog!

Stan (dryly): Really? It's that interesting?

Butters: It sure is! It can do tricks and everything! Come and see!

Kyle: What? Hedgehogs can't do tricks.

_Stan and Kyle join the crowd. Binky is on the ground near his hutch. Charlie crouches down near him._

Charlie: Hi Stan! Hi Kyle! I was just showing the guys some of Binky's new tricks.

Butters: Show 'em the one where he does the spinny thing!

Charlie: Binky, tornado!

_Binky rolls onto his back and spins unnaturally rapidly. Most of the boys cheer. Kyle and Stan look confused._

Charlie: Binky, jump!

_Binky leaps in the air several times, once flipping midair. The boys cheer._

Charlie: Binky, speak!

_Binky opens his mouth and makes a sound similar to a chainsaw. The boys cheer. Stan and Kyle retreat from the crowd._

Kyle: Dude, you were right. That's not a normal hedgehog.

Stan: See? I told you something was wrong with that thing. It's creepy!

Kyle: I'm not saying it's "creepy" or anything, but it's...you know...not normal.

_They go inside through the back door and walk to the TV. Kyle gets down on his hands and knees and starts looking around at the area where the X-Box used to be. Stan stands nearby._

Stan: What are you looking for, exactly?

Kyle: I don't know. Clues.

Stan: What sort of clues?

Kyle: I don't know. Just help me look.

_They both crawl around the TV set as Randy and Sharon walk through the living room. They are each carrying a sign. Randy's has the word "CULT" in a circle with a slash through it. Sharon's says "NO MORE ANIMAL SACRIFICES."_

Randy: Stan, your mother and I are going to a protest rally.

Stan (looking around, distracted): Okay, Dad.

Randy: Make sure those kids in the backyard don't form a cult or anything, okay?

Stan: Sure.

Randy: Thanks, sport. We'll see you later.

_Randy and Sharon walk out the front door._

Stan to Kyle: I don't think there's anything for us to find, dude. It's like all the little pieces evaporated or something. There's nothing here.

Kyle: Damn it. How am I supposed to prove Cartman did it when there isn't anything here?

Stan: Maybe he really didn't do it.

Kyle (glaring at Stan): It's Cartman. It's always him. He always does it. And even if he didn't… if I let up for even a second, or even suggest that I'm not positive that it's him, he is never going to get over it. And I won't let that happen!

* * *

><p><em>Outside, some of the boys have left. Charlie, Kenny, Butters, Tweek, Clyde, and Dougie kneelsit in a circle around Binky, who is standing still._

Clyde: Hedgehogs are the coolest pets ever.

Butters: I wish I had a pet hedgehog like you, Charlie.

Tweek (shaking, as usual): Not me! Pets—ngh—pets are way too much pressure, man! Ah!

Butters: I think it'd be fun. I'd train it to clean up my room and make me ice cream.

Dougie: You know, hedgehogs aren't usually very smart. Are you sure this is actually a hedgehog, and not some sort of hybrid or something?

Charlie: I guess I don't really know. I didn't buy him from a pet store or anything. I just found him.

Clyde: You found him? Where?

Charlie: By the baseball diamond over at the park.

_Clyde and Butters get up and run away (presumably to the park). The others continue to sit and look at Binky, who stares at Tweek without blinking._

Tweek: Can I—ah! Can I hold him?

Charlie: Sure!

_Tweek reaches over to pick up Binky. Binky opens his mouth and releases a high-pitched tone, almost like an alarm. Then he quickly bites Tweek's hand._

Tweek: Ah! Jesus! It bit me!

_Kenny starts laughing at Tweek. Charlie gasps and snatches up Binky._

Charlie: No, Binky! That's a bad hedgehog! [To Tweek, who looks alert and nervous] Sorry, Tweek. I don't know what got into him. He never bit anybody before.

Tweek: It's—ngh—it's okay, I think. I'm just bleeding a little bit.

_Tweek sucks on the side of his hand, which is bleeding._

Dougie: You know, if that hedgehog was a wild animal, it might have rabies.

Tweek: What?

Dougie: If it has rabies, it probably just gave it to you. Rabies is usually spread through bites.

Tweek: Ah! Holy shit! I've got to—ah! I've got to get to the hospital!

_Tweek jumps to his feet, acting extra jittery. Charlie also gets up. Kenny laughs again. Charlie grabs Tweek as he tries to run to the gate._

Charlie: No! You can't tell anybody!

Tweek: But—ngh—but I'm going to die of rabies!

Charlie: No, you're fine! Binky doesn't have rabies! If he did, he'd be acting crazy and foaming at the mouth and stuff. And look at him. He's perfectly calm.

Dougie: Well, that's not necessarily true. An animal can be infected with rabies for months before it starts to display any symptoms.

Tweek (panicking and pulling his hair): Ah! Jesus! I'm gonna—Ah! I'm gonna die!

Charlie (glaring at Dougie): You're not helping, kid.

Dougie (standing up and walking over to Charlie and Tweek): I'm Dougie. I'm going into the second grade.

Charlie: I don't care. [To Tweek] Look, Tweek, you're going to be fine. Just don't tell anybody that Binky bit you.

Tweek: Why—ah!—why not?

Charlie: Because if you do, they're going to make me get rid of him. They might even put him down. And wouldn't you feel awful if it turns out you didn't get rabies, and you made me put down my poor little pet for no reason?

Tweek: I—ngh—I guess I would feel bad.

Charlie: Right? And you don't want to have to live with a guilty conscience, do you?

Tweek: Ah! I can't live with a guilty conscience! I'd—ngh—I'd have to kill myself!

Charlie: So you won't tell anybody?

Tweek: I—ah!—I guess not. But what if I really do have rabies now? What if—ngh—what if I die?

Charlie: Well… well, [pointing at Dougie] that kid seems to know a lot about rabies.

Dougie: I'm Dougie. I'm going into the second grade.

Charlie: Since he knows what happened anyway, he can help keep an eye on you. Right, Dougie?

Dougie: I'll play doctor.

Kenny (standing up and walking over to the others): (I know a thing or two about rabies too.)

Charlie: How do you know anything about rabies?

Kenny: (My brother got infected by a raccoon once. It was fucking hilarious.)

Charlie: So you'll be fine, Tweek. You don't have rabies, and if, somehow, you do, Dougie and Kenny will be able to tell right away. Just don't bite anyone for a little while, okay?

Tweek: I don't know. I still—ah!—I still think I should go to the doctor.

Dougie: I'm the doctor now. Do you want to schedule an appointment?

Charlie: So do you promise not to say anything? At least not until we know for sure you and Binky have rabies?

_Charlie, Kenny, and Dougie stand around Tweek. He obviously feels very stressed._

Tweek: I… I… Ah! I don't know what to do!

_The three stand even closer to him as he trembles._

Charlie: Promise, Tweek!

Tweek: Too much pressure, man!

Charlie: Promise, and all the pressure will melt away! Promise!

Tweek: Okay, okay, I—ngh—I promise! Ah!

_The three other kids back off of him. Charlie pats him on the back._

Charlie: There. Don't you feel better now?

Tweek: I—ngh—I guess.

* * *

><p><em>The adults of South Park are protesting outside City Hall. They are yelling and waving signs that say, in effect, "DOWN WITH CULTS," "Animal Sacrifice is a Crime," and "NIMBY." (One sign inexplicably says "Keep Your Laws Off of My Body!")<em>

Townspeople: Rabble! Rabble! Rabble! [And so on...]

_The Mayor exits city hall and walks up to a podium with a microphone._

Mayor: May I have your attention, please? [The shouting dies down.] Thank you. Now, as I understand, a great many of you are very concerned about the alleged cult activity going on in South Park.

Jimbo: Yeah! Down with cults!

Townspeople: Rabble! Rabble! Rabble! [Et cetera…]

Mayor: People, please! [Again, the shouting dies down.] Thank you! Now, because I know that this issue has become very important to you people, I have ordered our local police department to create a new "Illicit Cult Activity" division. I will be working with them and you to help fight the epidemic of ritualistic animal sacrifice that is plaguing our peaceful town!

_The crowd cheers._

Mayor: And I promise that we won't stop until we find the cause of this brutal cult activity and put an end to it, no matter what it takes!


	3. The Reckoning

**TSP Episode #111: "Hedgehog"**

_This chapter contains direct quotes from the brilliant movie _Monty Python and the Holy Grail_. Unfortunately, I don't own Monty Python either._

* * *

><p><strong>Part 3. The Reckoning<strong>

* * *

><p><em>A bunch of townspeople have inside the assembly room in City Hall. The Mayor and Officer Barbrady stand in front of the crowd. There is a large blackboard behind them.<em>

Mayor: Now, as you all know, we have assembled here to discuss methods of dealing with cultists, and to brainstorm possible causes for their inexplicable, violent behavior. Now, does anyone have any thoughts on what might be causing our city's rise in cult activity?

Stephen Stotch (standing up to speak): Violent video games.

Mayor: Good, good. [She writes down "Violent video games" on the board.] What else have we got?

Sheila Broflovski (standing): Rap music.

Mayor (writing this down too): Yes, good stuff, good stuff, people.

Mr. Garrison (standing): Mexicans.

Mayor (writing this down): Yes, of course. They're always a good scapegoat. What else?

* * *

><p><em>Kyle enters Cartman's house. The lights are off in the main room. Cartman and Becca are playing GameStation. They are in the exact same positions on the couch as before.<em>

Kyle: Don't think I've given up on the X-Box, Cartman.

Cartman: You're still hung up on that, Kyle? Sheesh. While you were trying to prove me guilty of a crime I didn't commit, Becca and I passed another twenty-four levels on my "Blood Avengers" game.

Becca (mumbling): I kill them. I kill them all…

Kyle: Well, now I'm giving you an ultimatum. Admit what you did and agree to buy Stan a new X-Box, or I swear to God, I will wreck your GameStation.

_Cartman and Becca both turn and stare at Kyle, looking horrified._

Cartman: You wouldn't.

Kyle: I would. I'll do it right now.

Becca: NOOO!

_As she screams, she leaps from the couch like a puma and knocks Kyle over. She starts scratching, biting, and kicking him. Kyle manages to shove her off of him for long enough to get up, but Becca runs right back and starts wailing on him like a maniac._

Becca: I will kill you! I will kill you!

_Kyle finally manages to grab her and hold her in the air away from his body. She continues to flail her arms and legs around, and she scratches at Kyle's hands._

Kyle: Okay! Okay! I won't do anything to your GameStation! Just calm down, you psycho!

_Becca stops scratching at him. Kyle drops her on the floor and she slinks back to her seat at the couch. She picks up her controller and continues to play the game._

Becca (quietly): I will kill you if you hurt our GameStation. I will kill you over and over again.

_Kyle starts to leave._

Kyle: This isn't over, Cartman!

* * *

><p><em>The next morning, Stan wakes up in his room. He sits up, rubbing his eyes. He glances out the window. Again, the mutilated corpses of numerous animals are strewn throughout the yard. Officer Barbrady is there, directing a clean-up.<em>

Stan: Oh no!

_Stan goes outside and walks over to the hutch. He squats down and looks at Binky in the back. Bloody hedgehog footprints cover the floor of the hutch. Binky stares at Stan. Stan steps backwards into the body cavity of a mutilated bobcat. Then he vomits._

Barbrady: Hey, kid, watch it! You're contaminating the crime scene!

_Stan runs inside up to Shelly's room. He bangs on the door._

Stan: Charlie! Charlie!

_Shelly opens the door and smacks Stan across the face. Then Charlie comes out._

Charlie: Yeah?

Stan: The yard… there are a bunch of animal corpses again!

Charlie: Oh no! Is it that cult again? Your parents said they might be using your yard for rituals.

Stan: I don't think it was a cult that killed all those animals.

Charlie: Really? Well, who did?

Stan: I know this is going to sound really strange, but… well, I think it was your hedgehog.

_Charlie stares at him skeptically._

Stan: I looked in his hutch, and there were bloody hedgehog footprints all over the floor. It was really weird.

Charlie: That isn't weird. If someone was killing a bunch of animals right outside, some blood probably just got in the cage.

Stan: Just come and look. You'll see what I mean.

_They walk downstairs and go into the backyard. They go over to the hutch. When they look inside, there are no footprints or blood. Charlie looks at Stan dubiously._

Charlie: I don't get it.

Stan: Huh?

Charlie: If that was supposed to be a joke, I don't get it.

Stan (confused): No, it was here, I… I don't know…

Charlie: Dude, you need to get some sleep or something.

* * *

><p><em>Tweek and Dougie are in Dougie's room. Tweek sits on a chair. Dougie is dressed up like a doctor. He holds a clipboard and wears examination gloves.<em>

Dougie: Okay, it's time for your first check-up. Now, first of all, I am going to run through a list of rabies symptoms. Tell me if you've been experiencing any of these.

Tweek: Okay.

Dougie: Fever.

Tweek: No.

Dougie: Cough or sore throat.

Tweek: Ngh—no.

Dougie: Cramping or stomachaches.

Tweek: No.

Dougie: Excellent. So far, so good. Now, I'm going to run through some of the more telling symptoms. Have you been feeling very tense or anxious?

Tweek: Well—ngh—well, yeah, I guess. Ah!

Dougie: Have you experienced any sensory hallucinations?

Tweek: What—ah!—what are those?

Dougie: Hallucinations are when you see or hear things that aren't really there. Usually, they're sort of strange, like bright colors, or strange music, or imaginary creatures like dragons, or fairies, or gnomes.

Tweek: Gnomes? You mean—ngh—like underpants gnomes?

_Dougie stares at him but doesn't say anything._

Tweek: Jesus Christ, I _am_ hallucinating!

Dougie: And, last, have you been having uncontrollable muscle spasms?

Tweek: Muscle spasms? Ngh—no, I don't think so. Ah!

_Dougie stares at him again. He writes something down._

Tweek: What—ngh—what is it?

Dougie: Well, I didn't say anything because I didn't want to be rude, but you are having muscle spasms in your face and upper body.

Tweek: No—ngh—no I'm not!

Dougie: You just did it again.

Tweek: What?

Dougie: Wait just a minute, you'll probably—[Tweek ticks, cocking his head, shutting his eye, and jerking his shoulder up]—There! You just did it again!

Tweek: I don't—ah!—I don't know what you're talking about.

Dougie: Wait here just a minute.

_Dougie walks out of the room and into the hallway. He pulls out a phone and dials a number. After a moment, he starts talking._

Dougie: Yeah, this is Dougie. …No, it didn't go too well. I think he has rabies.

* * *

><p><em>Charlie is on the other end of the line in the Marsh house. She is on the phone in the kitchen. Sharon is washing dishes at the sink nearby.<em>

Charlie: Oh. [There is a pause.] Are you sure? [Pause.] I mean, on a scale of one to ten, one being completely not sure, ten being—[Pause.] Seven? Really? [Pause. Charlie then speaks in an annoyed grumble.] You're the doctor, Dougie. [Pause. Charlie now speaks more loudly and with greater irritation in her voice.] I said, "You're the doctor!" No, I won't say it again! I want a second opinion! Have Kenny come check him out. [Pause.] Yes, you're still the doctor. I'll be there in just a minute.

_She hangs up. She looks worried and angry at the same time._

Charlie: Damn it!

Sharon: Young lady! Language!

Charlie (covering her mouth): Sorry.

* * *

><p><em>Kyle sits at his desk in his room. He rests his head on his arms, and he looks depressed. Someone knocks at the door, then Stan enters the room.<em>

Stan: Dude, I have to show you something.

Kyle: I give up.

Stan: Huh?

Kyle: I give up, Stan. I can't do it. I don't know how he did it, but he beat me this time. I… I lost.

Stan: Don't you think you're being a little dramatic?

_Kyle sits up. He turns and glares at Stan._

Kyle: You're the one that's being dramatic, Stan! Do you have any idea how it feels for me to lose to Cartman? It's like being stabbed through the heart a thousand times! It's like choking to death on my own vomit! It's awful! It's just too awful!

Stan: You didn't lose to Cartman, Kyle. I don't even think he's the one who broke the X-Box.

Kyle: Who else could have possibly done it?

Stan: …Come with me, I need to show you something.

* * *

><p><em>Tweek sits on the chair in Dougie's room. Kenny appears to be examining him as Charlie and Dougie look on. Charlie is visibly nervous.<em>

Charlie: So, what do you think, Kenny?

Kenny: (He's rabid all right.)

Tweek: Jesus!

Charlie: Oh no. What are we going to do?

Tweek: What are we going to do? I'll—ah!—I'll tell you what we're going to do! We're going to take me to the—ngh—to the hospital right now and tell them exactly what happened!

Charlie: Yeah, but if everyone figures out that Binky has rabies, they'll take him away. And he's not acting rabid yet. Can't I just keep him until he starts acting sick? We can say something else bit Tweek.

Dougie: What should we say bit him?

_Outside, a large group of townspeople march by, shouting about cults and waving their banners and posters. The four kids look at each other._

* * *

><p><em>Later that day, the Mayor is giving a speech to a large group of anti-cult townspeople when Randy comes running through the crowd.<em>

Mayor: We continue to make progress, but we still have yet to determine—

Randy: Wait! Mayor, wait! I've got it!

Mayor: Mr. Marsh?

Randy: Mayor! [He reaches the podium, panting.] Let me speak to the people, Mayor.

Mayor: Well… by all means.

_Randy, still heaving, steps to the podium._

Randy: Fellow townspeople: I believe I have at last uncovered the cause of the increase in cult activity in our town. It's so strange, yet so simple.

Mr. Garrison: Yeah, it's those goddamned Mexicans!

Randy: No, don't you see? What makes people act aggressive and strange?

Mayor: …Violent video games?

Randy: No! It's rabies!

Chef: Rabies?

Randy: Yes! They think the Tweak boy might have rabies. And they think he caught it after he was bitten by a cult member!

Mr. Garrison: …That makes perfect sense!

Mayor: Yes! All it would take is one infected cult member. He could bite others, who would bite others, and next thing you know, you have a full-fledged Jonestown on your hands!

Randy: Exactly. They have the Tweak boy quarantined so he can't infect anyone else. Now all we have to do is stop the spread of rabies at its source. Jimbo, Ned, you know what to do.

_Jimbo and Ned look thrilled._

* * *

><p><em>Jimbo and Ned are hiding behind a bush by Stark's Pond. A deer, several rabbits, and some squirrels are standing nearby.<em>

Jimbo: Alright, Ned. Are you ready? Protect the town!

Ned: Mm-protect the town.

_Ned fires away at the animals and quickly kills them all._

Jimbo: Good job, Ned. Let's find some more wild animals to kill.

Ned: Mm-we're heroes.

* * *

><p><em>Tweek is in a hospital room, hooked up to a bunch of monitors. He looks the same as he always does, but he's wearing a hospital gown. His arms and legs are strapped to the hospital bed. A nurse wearing a gas mask walks into the room.<em>

Nurse: Tweek? Some of your little friends are here to see you.

Tweek: My friends?

_Charlie, Dougie, and Kenny walk into the room. They are all wearing gas masks. Kenny carries a large gift basket and Dougie has some "Get Well Soon" balloons._

Charlie: Hi Tweek. Sorry about the quarantine.

Tweek: Th-that's okay.

Kenny (holding up the gift basket): (We brought you a gift basket.)

_Tweek stares at the gift basket, somewhat annoyed._

Charlie: So, they're killing all the wild animals so nobody else can get rabies now. [Tweek glares at her.] Isn't that great?

Tweek: If I die in here—ah!—it's all on you, Charlie Pierzynski. You and your-ngh-your stupid hedgehog. Ah!

_Charlie looks a little bit worried._

* * *

><p><em>Stan and Kyle are in Stan's house, looking out the window into the backyard.<em>

Kyle: What are we doing, Stan?

Stan: Look. There he is.

_Binky crawls out from beneath a bush, staring at the boys through the window. He is tracking blood through the snow._

Kyle: You need to take a deep breath and forget about this stupid hedgehog, Stan.

Stan: But look! It… it's tracking blood through the snow and everything!

Kyle: Dude. There have been, like, twenty dead animals in your yard over the past two days. There's going to be a little blood.

_Stan pauses, then his eyes widen._

Stan: Wait a minute… Who let him out of his hutch?

_Kyle stares at Binky. Binky stares back, unblinking._

Kyle: …I-I'm sure Charlie or someone let him out.

Stan: Do you really think Charlie would leave her pet alone, out in the open, in the backyard where almost two dozen mutilated animals were just found?

_Binky scuttles back under the bush._

Kyle: You know what? I'll prove it to you. Let's go outside, and I'll show you that there is nothing weird about that hedgehog.

_Kyle leads Stan outside. They walk over to the bush Binky had just gone under. Then they see the bloody body of an unrecognizable man. They gape in horror as they see Binky crawling around in his body cavity, apparently eating him. The boys scream and run inside._

Kyle: It's evil!

Stan: I told you! I knew it all along! It's evil! It's the thing that's been killing all those animals, not a stupid cult!

Kyle (after a pause): Well… well, isn't it possible that… that the body was there before, and he's just… he's just…

Stan: He's just what? Mysteriously out of his cage, tracking blood in the snow and eating the guy's guts?

_Charlie and Kenny enter the house just then. They walk up to Stan and Kyle._

Kenny: (Hey dudes. What's up?)

Kyle (pointing outside): That thing is evil!

Charlie (looking irritated): It isn't evil! It's just a little rabid!

Kyle: …It's rabid?

Charlie: Did Stan put you up to this?

Stan: No! And whatever that thing is, it's a lot worse than rabid.

Kyle: It killed a guy! There's a body in the backyard!

Charlie: I don't see a body. You guys are just making it up to scare me, aren't you?

Stan: No! It's evil, we swear!

Charlie: No he isn't. He's just a harmless little hedgehog with a teensy bit of rabies. Come on, I'll show you.

_She walks out the back door. Kenny goes after her._

Stan: Dude, don't go out there!

_She ignores or doesn't hear him. Stan and Kyle glance at each other, then they apprehensively follow them. Charlie goes to the hutch and is surprised to find it empty._

Charlie: Binky? What did you guys do to Binky?

Stan: We didn't—

Charlie: Oh, there he is.

_Binky is peeking out at them from under the bush. Kyle and Stan edge back towards the door._

Kyle: Don't get too close to it, Charlie.

Charlie: Whatever, Kyle.

_Kenny walks up next to Charlie near the bush. Then, with super-hedgehog strength, Binky leaps out of the bush and attacks Kenny's face. In a few quick seconds of scratching and muffled screaming, Kenny is dead. Binky is scarfing down his brain._

Stan: Oh my God! He killed Kenny!

Kyle: You bastard!

_Charlie stares at Binky, horrified. She doesn't say anything. Then, slowly, she walks backwards to where Stan and Kyle are standing._

Kyle: See? It killed Kenny. Now do you believe us?

Charlie: Jesus Christ!

Stan (pointing at Binky, who still stares at the group with large, unblinking eyes): That thing is evil!

Charlie: Binky is eating Kenny!

Stan: Yeah. He is.

Charlie: I can't believe it! This is all my fault! What are we going to do?

_Binky begins to groom his paws and face. He continues staring at the group._

Stan: Well, for starters, you could lock that thing back in its hutch before it kills somebody important.

Charlie: What? I'm not getting any closer to that thing!

Stan (sighing and rolling his eyes): You were fine with it before.

Charlie: Yeah, I was fine with it before I knew it could eat me!

Stan: Just do it!

_Very cautiously, Charlie approaches the hedgehog. She slowly picks it up, then makes a mad dash for the hutch, throws it inside, and locks the door._

Charlie: There. Done.

_The kids all go inside. Stan locks the back door._

Kyle: Wait a minute. If that thing managed to kill all those animals overnight, then shouldn't it be able to get out of—

_They all look out the window. Binky is standing in the middle of the yard, staring at them through the window. The kids all yelp and duck down, out of sight._

Charlie (whispering): We can't trap it! How did it get out?

Stan (whispering): I don't know!

Kyle: Should we try to kill it?

Stan: How on earth are we supposed to kill it? I don't suppose you want to go anywhere near it, do you?

Charlie (eyes widening with sudden realization): Wait a minute. I know this. I know what's happening.

Stan: You do?

Charlie: I think I can get rid of it, but I'm going to need a need a monk outfit and a bomb.

* * *

><p><em>Stan, Kyle, and Charlie are out in the backyard, where Binky is still feasting on Kenny's remains. Charlie and Kyle are dressed like monks. Stan is dressed as a knight, and he holds a hand grenade decorated with a cross.<em>

Charlie: Are you guys ready?

Kyle: Yeah.

Stan: This is retarded.

Charlie (annoyed): Just go with it, Stan. Okay, Kyle. Start.

Kyle: _Armaments, chapter two, verses nine through twenty-one._

Charlie_:__And Saint Attila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, "O Lord, bless this thy hand grenade, that with it thou mayst blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy." And the Lord did grin. And the people did feast upon the lambs, and sloths, and carp, and anchovies, and orangutans, and breakfast cereals, and fruit-bats…_

She pauses and looks at Kyle. Kyle doesn't say anything. She clears her throat loudly.

Kyle: Oh… uh, _skip a bit, Brother_.

Charlie: _And the Lord spake, saying, "First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it._

All: _Amen_.

Charlie: Okay, Stan. Now remember: say five instead of three.

Stan: Why do I-?

Charlie: Just do it, Stan.

_Stan rolls his eyes and removes the cross/pin from the grenade. Binky stares at the three of them without blinking._

Stan: One, two, five!

Kyle: Three, sir.

Stan: Three!

_Stan chucks the hand grenade at Binky. It explodes. Bits of Kenny's body splatter all over the yard, but Binky is no more._

All: Hooray!

Stan: That takes care of that problem.

Kyle: There's just one more thing we have to do.

Stan: What's that?

* * *

><p><em>The townspeople are all gathered in City Hall for another cult meeting. Everyone is talking amongst themselves.<em>

Mayor: Quiet down, people! Let's get this thing started! Now, Jimbo and Ned, did you succeed in your mission?

Jimbo: Yes, ma'am! We wiped out every wild animal in town!

Ned: Mm-also some cows. They looked like they might have been infected.

Mayor: Excellent. So, next on the agenda is—

_Suddenly, a doctor rushes into the building. He looks disturbed._

Doctor: Mayor, I've got some unexpected news.

Mayor: What is it?

Doctor: Well, the test results came back and… well, the Tweak boy does not have rabies.

_The townspeople gasp and begin to whisper._

Mayor: No rabies? How is that possible?

Stan: Because the cultists don't have rabies.

_Stan walks into the room. Kyle and Charlie stand behind him. Stan is pushing Becca in a wheelchair. Becca's arms, legs, and torso are strapped to the seat, and she is struggling intensely against them, screaming wildly._

Mayor: Jesus, what's wrong with her?

Becca (thrashing her arms and legs): I WANT MY GAMESTATION! GIVE ME MY GAME STATION!

Stan: Ladies and gentlemen, this is Becca Pierzynski. Just a week ago, she was a normal, happy, five-year-old girl.

Sharon (looking shocked and concerned): Well, what happened?

Kyle: GameStation 3X. GameStation 3X happened, and in just one short week playing "Blood Avengers," this otherwise normal kid transformed into a maladjusted, violent lunatic.

Becca: KILL! GIVE ME MY GAMESTATION OR I WILL KILL!

_The townspeople glance at one another, not sure of what's going on. Suddenly, Randy stands up, apparently experiencing a revelation._

Randy: I've got it! We were wrong! It wasn't rabies that was making all those cultists act insane!

Jimbo: Well, if it wasn't rabies, what the hell was it?

Randy: Violent video games! Don't you see? We didn't need to kill all the wild animals in town. We just need to destroy the video games!

_The townspeople look at each other, still not sure what to think._

Stephen Stotch (standing up): He's right. We need to take matters into our own hands and stop this cult problem at the source! Let's destroy the GameStations!

Townspeople: Yeah!

_The townspeople storm out of city hall, carrying torches and pitchforks. Once they're gone, only Stan, Kyle, Charlie, and Becca (still strapped in the wheelchair) remain. Becca is wide-eyed, pale, and trembling._

Becca: I want… I just want…

_She dissolves into tears. Charlie pats her back._

Charlie: Don't worry, Becca. A week or two in rehab and you'll be as good as new.

Becca (crying): I just want my GameStation!

Stan to Kyle: What was the point of all this?

Kyle (smiling evilly): I'm teaching Cartman a lesson. I'm teaching him that he can't be an asshole about his new gaming console and get away with it.

_Stan stares at Kyle oddly._

* * *

><p><em>Cartman still sits on his couch, playing GameStation.<em>

Cartman: Yes! Yes! I am the King of "Blood Avengers"!

_The angry mob of townspeople storms into the house._

Cartman: What the-?

_Stephen sets fire to the GameStation as the others holler wildly. A few men take turns smashing the console with bats until it is completely destroyed. Then they rush out as quickly as they entered. Cartman stares at the wreckage with an expression of utter horror._

Cartman: …The FUCK?

* * *

><p><strong>THE END<strong>


End file.
